Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Difficulty with Writing

I hesitate to write on this blog sometimes because I know anyone can read it. I know people who think being a midwife is stupid can read it. Doctors who wish I would just go away can read it. Family members of my clients who don't agree with them having their babies outside the hospital can read it. I laid in bed thinking about this for a long time last night and I realized all writers have this problem. On the other hand, I could just write all these things in my journal and then close it up and put it away. I don't want to do that. I want others to know what I am thinking and I am willing to put it out for anyone to read.
Yesterday was a hard day. I still feel upset about. I helped someone with the birth of her first grandchild. We started out at the birth center and ended up taking her daughter-in-law to the hospital for a c-section. I did not want her to go, but she insisted she wanted to go. The doctor told me before we went that he would not do anything else but a c-section because he had some kind of a previous commitment. Despite all the talk to try to change her mind, when things like that happen, I just have to trust that the mother of the baby knows best and trust her intuition for what is best for her and her baby. I wish them all good things.
We have had a lot of transfers (five) to the hospital in the past three months and three of them ended up in c-sections. A transfer is always upsetting and the most stressful part of my work as a midwife. It's upsetting because it usually involves a problem, pain, and is not what we had planned. I'm happy to say that all the transfers have turned out well and all the mothers and babies are well. But every case was a difficult situation and it makes me question if I am doing the right thing with my life. Am I doing the best thing to help the most women and families? That question is why I write. It helps me work things through. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Unfortunately, I am out of time for therapy now. Jackie

3 comments:

Danaly said...

Jackie,

I struggle with the same issue as far as sharing my thoughts with the "world" but I find it's worth it... I think God can use your words as healing or comfort for someone... other side of the coin from what you were thinking. Some might be upset, some might be blessed! Worth the risk, I think.

I am so sorry about the transfers. I guess it's part of the job but please know that there are many of us who you have helped with our children's birth who feel so incredibly blessed that we had you there and that we were able to birth the way we wanted to.

Please don't be discouraged. Your work is valuable.
I appreciate you.
Danaly

Sarah said...

Jackie - I think you are doing such a wonderful thing with your life. You are such an angel and any woman who has been lucky enough to be in your care feels this way. I know the tranfers are very stressful to you, but please keep your head up. You are doing an amazing thing! Love, Sarah Huff

Lisa said...

i wouldnt have chosen any other way. we appreciate everything that you have done for us. it has been such a blessing having you in our lives :) you have a gift from God