Daydreams

When I help with a difficult birth such as the one I described in the last post, it makes me question whether or not I should remain a midwife. Should it be up to me to hold the life of a baby in my hands? The baby I delivered yesterday was born to a woman with no risk factors. He wasn't too big, not extremely overdue, no meconium, she was in good health. However, he had to be resuscitated. But if I don't do it- who will? She could be with a midwife without as much experience or at a hospital where he would immediately have his cord cut and taken away from his mom and probably still be in NICU.
If I was not a midwife, I would like to work in a bakery or a flower shop, making pretty things. I would only work part time just to have some spending money. I would stay up late whenever I wanted. I would go camping with my boys at least once a month. I would hang out at the library and exercise or walk my dog every day. I would clean out my closet and use my sewing machine more often.
Oh, it's time to wake up. I'll do all that some time in the future. I can do those things when I retire. But now it's not time to retire. I still have a mission to help more women and babies and families and hold a place for an alternative to hospital birth. Most of the time, I love being a midwife and I consider it a privilege. It just shakes me up sometimes to realize what an awesome responsibility I hold in my hands.